Trigger Happy

finally found some motivation to set up a photo blog! actually it's more like im required to do it for one of my modules.

here's the link:

http://www.egomy.org/triggerhappy

Random Thought

was reading some stuff online and this suddenly hit me, when you lose yourself at some point of time in life, it's really hard to get back to what you were, or at least you won't be able to be the same you again.

im still looking for myself, or rather, what i can become. it's easy to just live the way i am right now, simple but not fulfilling and knowing myself, a flawed perfectionist (i'll touch on that some other time), i wouldn't be able to stand this for long before i feel empty everyday.

i can feel that there are things inside me that are already lost through a series of events. i have lost drive and interest in certain things that were initially very important to me. it's really hard to try to get a similar feeling back but i guess i should carry on trying.

is this random or what? =/

Obnoxious

it's been a hectic 2 weeks since i last posted an entry here. orientation, bash, dinner and dance took up way too much of my time (and my sleep).

so much has happened when im back in camp and back in school that i feel that im becoming more and more "in-your-face" when it comes to addressing problems in work that i think people are thinking that im very obnoxious although they don't say or show it infront of me.

i used to hate confrontations, it blows everything out of proportion and leaves an unpleasant taste in everyone's mouth. i'd just try to be nice to everyone and try to settle everything peacefully, even if people think that im just trying to make everyone happy.

but i guess things change over time when i realize that people don't realize that im just trying to resolve things peacefully and in turn tries to screw me over (and some of them succeed in the process). then i thought to myself, "im doing this out of good-will and you're trying to screw me over", at the end of the day, everyone is happy except for me, so i started standing up for what i thought was right, even if it meant being extremely blatant.

i guess it worked, ticking people off in the process. now when i start talking seriously, at least people know that i actually mean business and they actually would try to make more effort to listen to me. the only drawback, people are afraid to let me settle some problems that are pertaining to members of a working group for the fact that they're afraid that the person might kill himself after having the cold hard truth smashed into his face.

i'll always try to be nice before i'll go into my "asshole" mode, im not THAT obnoxious. and no, i am not like this normally, im only like this when im working on serious things. i wonder where all this angst is coming from. im complaining way too much these days about things, i have a feeling the guys are going to getting irritated with me soon, better find some other channels to let it out.

ps: i can't believe they're calling me 老良. i don't look that old do i?

Faith

it's been a very long time since i've felt so genuinely disappointed about something and today i felt this dreaded feeling once again. it was pretty bad i guess, to the extend that i didn't really feel like going for the team dinner (sorry guys) and stayed in hall to help out with the orientation instead.

i asked myself why i was feeling so disappointed: was it the fact that i expected too much of my teammates that when they under perform, i'll feel that it's not enough? or the fact that i have too much faith in them and when we don't do well, i feel like we're selling ourselves short in the game?

came to a conclusion that it's more of the latter and when i look back, i realize how people react to my so called "faith" in them. some people think of it as a joke and smirk when i become too serious when im explaining things during training. a few think that the "faith" that i put in them is too much to take, in turn told me that they think that not good enough and want to go to the second team instead.

im sure there will people think that im being emo and all because i didn't go for the dinner, frankly, i really don't care because this is how much this team means to me, so much that it's one of the main priorities in my life and it gets frustrating for me sometimes.

maybe im just tired, maybe i should try having people telling me what to do instead then maybe they'll know what im talking about.

i just hope that something like today won't happen again because i really hate feeling like this, makes me feel like an asswipe.