looking back at the year that just passed, 2009 was a busy yet uneventful year (yes, i know it's ironic) for me.

Labels: food for thought, personal

just when i thought that my time has come to take a breather, work just comes right smack at my face. i've always been someone who prefers to work alone on projects and all. Partly because of my personality, i've never been a big fan of working in a team like it's a mass orgy and also partly because i can't really work with people that i don't have a measure of their capabilities.

Labels: food for thought, personal, school

i can't believe that i have been so busy since week 1 of school till now. frankly speaking, out of the years that i've been in NUS, this is one packed to the core semester.

Labels: hall, personal, school

"if you don't know, ask your buddy first", "don't run and shout like a gu niang"

Labels: personal

i've been so stressed for the past weeks, now that it's over. i suddenly find the peace that's finally here, a bit surreal.

it wasn't an easy time for me, having to study a module which i haven't really been to for the whole semester, and to make things worse, yes, it had to be a math module. failing it would mean that my path to a smooth graduation will be obstructed with terrible implications because of my bond.

i frankly haven't been so stressed for like years, i think it got so bad even my neighbors could tell just by looking at me. it's times like this that makes someone feel like giving up and whenever that feeling comes lingering around the corner, i'll keep telling myself that i need to have faith in myself and that i'll pull through this if i just hang on. which i think works for me.

different people put their faith in different things when it comes to sticky situations. most of my friends will know the answer they'll get from me if they ask "who do you believe in?".

my answer, "myself".

it's not that i don't believe in religions, it's just that i have my doubts about the teachings. i spent my secondary school days in Presbyterian High (the yck one, not bishan) and we have to go through an hour of preaching/storytelling during assembly everyday.

at first it was pretty interesting to hear stuff from the bible for the first time when i was sec 1 but as the years go by, i start thinking about what is being said is contradictory and ironic sometimes. maybe i didn't interpret the passage properly, or maybe i misunderstood the passage because i didn't read the ones before.

being raised in a strict taoist family didn't exactly help the cause of me being non-religious. there were too many taboos to look out for, parents follow whatever the mediums say that they should do. monthly rituals stopped us from traveling as much as we would have loved to. i didn't like any of that and it was not long before i stopped following all the strict rules that were in my life but of course i didn't let my parents know up till today. whatever they don't know won't hurt them, or hurt my ear in this case.

we worship deities, gods and look to them for answers when they are in trouble or in need. we cry out to god late at night when everyone's asleep under our blankets and ask "what have i done to deserve this". we visit mediums and consult them when we feel like we're running out of luck or we would like to know the forecast for the coming year.

so what if a voice suddenly appears inside your head and tells you what to do? so what if the forecast that was given by the medium was extremely accurate? ultimately, it all comes down to yourself, your life is in your own hands. if you don't take matters of your life into your own hands, everything will come to naught.

(here comes the part where it becomes slightly blasphemous to some, pardon me.)

what if there is no such thing as god and all the times when we prayed and got an answer was from our own conscience, nothing to do with any heavenly beings or god? you might ask god what you have done to deserve something bad and the answer that came out was just a corruption of your own conscience, which conveniently became an answer from god.

such things can be dectrimental to one's well-being, falling in one's own self-corruption and possibly becoming disillusioned when they realized that the very belief that they put their life's faith in was actually non-existant.

that would kinda suck wouldn't it?

please don't get me wrong, im not against any religion. it's just i have doubts about putting my faith in religions. for the longest time till today, my answer to where my faith lies is still the same.

my faith lies within myself. nothing can go too terribly wrong if you have your life in your own hands.

think about it.

Labels: food for thought, personal

January was a pretty topsy-turvy month for me, such that i don't even know when to start writing from.

start of the month was pretty smashing after going to christmas, new year and a week into the new year, i reach the time of the year when i reach the big two-five. so now that im a quarter-century old, everyone up on C4 is making a big fuss out of it although they're ALL only a year younger than me (less guoan, ben and eric). but well, i've always enjoyed getting older, every year i feel more accomplished than the previous and feel like im ready for more up in the year ahead.

thinking about being 25, i realized a list of things that i can probably do now, or i realize that it's happening as im 25:

• i can now no longer call myself a young adult, for the fact that i can use the word "century" when im describing my age
• i know that my quarter-life crisis is going to come soon
• thumper and similar clubs are going to have to let me in now (provided i go there)...
• .... although i should start chilling at bars now instead
  
• im now 5 years older than the year 1 girls now
• im going to be 6 years older than the girls that are coming into NUS next year....
• .... and it'll be perfectly fine for me to date girls who are 7 years younger than me :p

and the list will just keep going on and on and on....

something im amazed at myself for this sem was that i rarely missed lessons and i actually found time to do some revision every week, or at least until the chinese new year week, where the cycle was broken and i find myself starting to have backlog in my work. and i never really liked CNY anyway, for the fact that i have a very small extended family and everything is like closed during the whole period.

at the same time as the backlogs started to pile up, work for my photo exhibition at the end of february went full steam ahead and yes, i've piled up even more work from before and the trainings of my various IHG sports really didn't help the whole cause.

even as i sat down one of the nights to plan my time, i realize that i have close to no time for myself, all the meetings, assignments, revisions, trainings, jam sessions, hall events, shoots, you name it, i probably did it in january, maybe i should have taken out the revisions out to make more time for the other stuff, NOT :p

sometimes i really hate myself for wanting to do so much and not being able to priortize. i know some people find it hard to believe that im doing so much that some of them think that im talking big, i don't blame you guys, sometimes i take a step back and look at what im doing in life, i don't believe it myself either. haha.

february now, still busy, but at least i have a bit of breathing space now, im left with 1 IHG event after a tremendous result at touch and a result on the opposite end of the spectrum for basketball, now i just have to concentrate on my assignments and my long awaited photo exhibition which all of you guys who are reading are coming for!

hope feb will be fine~

Labels: hall, misc, personal, school

the scene of me making that last 3-pointer right at the buzzer but still losing by 1 is going to replay in my head for a long while.

something unthinkable actually happened, losing IHG Basketball in the prelims. seemed like something that's not possible considering our squad. guess that's why almost everyone is in an inconsolable mood now.

i didn't even realize that this is my first update in more than a month. it's been a really hectic, or rather, frantic month full of school work, photo exhibition work, trainings and shoots. glad that everything is settling down now already although im getting myself into a very big project very soon. but the monetary return might just soothe the stress that's going to come when i start that project.

more updates on a later date. time to sleep and watch the scene on repeat in my head...

Labels: hall, personal, school

happy new year people!!

new year's eve was quite a quiet affair as all of us didn't really feel like going out, so we just decided to stay in hall to chill and drink till 7+ in the morning. we found a new staple food for our drinking sessions - hotdogs cooked in boiling water. it's easily to cook and tastes pretty good on its own even without any sauces.

ben got really drunk admist all the drinking, we had to drag him back to the room and hurl him onto the bed. i had to hurl profanities at him to make him stop trying to get out of bed to go wherever he was planning to go in his drunken stupor. he realized later in the day that he busted his face from god knows what and chipped half of his front tooth. we suspect that he fell off the bed halfway through the night and face planted into the ground.

went for the new year hat tourney after sleeping for 4 hours, as much as it might sound like a bad idea, it turned out to be quite fun. although during the first game, with all the alcohol still in my system, i was sprinting up and down the field, and when i finally came to a stop and cooled down, i felt like i was going to faint anytime. as fun as it is, it's not exactly a very good idea to play when you're stoned and tired from a night of drinking.

some new year resolutions:

• study harder (almost seem to be on the list)
• work on photography
• do more freelance jobs
• stop procrastinating
• workout more to prevent recurring injuries
• get a 24-105mm L

made some "motivational" posters using some of the photos that i took last weekend at the ultimate league:


i have no idea how much trouble im going to get myself into when i see them during league on sunday, but oh well, i guess they're fine with it as long as people find it entertaining. haha! (sorry google and hayden :p)

as you can see, this post is kind of incoherent and the reason for this happening is that im freaking tired right. im pretty much just typing in whatever i can remember now before i knock out on my new mattress. sealy mattresses are good, i feel my lower back getting better already. hah. so much for trying to make a coherent post.

have a good year ahead guys!

Labels: hall, personal, Ultimate

the past week has been pretty boring and exciting at the same time, boring cos of the fact that we've virtually exhausted the list of things to do while expending the least amount of money. we're all in hall, being bored, tired of playing of dota and just hanging around thinking of what to do.

we were just sitting around and ruing at that fact that we didn't break the lock to the rooftop of discreetly. the hall office found out about it and ended up chaining and pad-locking the gate to the rooftop. i guess boredom drives people to do the strangest things, we decided to break the lock again, so that we can drink on the rooftop again.

we tried an array of tools, scissors, metal rulers, an even bigger scissors to no avail. we suddenly thought of all the tools used of the hall float and we managed to get a big ass metal cutter from the room and the lock was at our mercy. before we know it, we were drinking at the rooftop with sofa sits, candles, music, chips and drinks until almost 6am.

drinking to 6am was pretty much a bad mistake for me because i was suppose to meet up with the guys and lecturer from my photography module at 10am the next day to check out the photo gallery that we're going to have our public exhibition in feb.

the gallery owner walked us through the gallery, explaining how we could use the place and the place is just fantastic. it's really getting me excited about the whole exhibition already and i volunteered to help out with the publicity (what's new?) of the exhibition, so be prepared to see a lot of promotions of the exhibition when the date gets nearer.

i need to head out to shoot some stuff soon. it's calling out to me.

Labels: design, hall, personal, school

just went i thought i managed shake off the back injury that i picked up in hong kong 2 months ago, i managed to strain my groin and hamstring in my first training in 2 months.

it's really quite frustrating for me because it seems that i've been constantly injured for quite a while already and my game is just going downhill because of all these injuries.

usually even when im injured, im still able to push myself into playing very hard but it seems like my body is refusing to act that way even when i try to push it. robin and mondster were telling me in hong kong that i look like i was holding back on my game during the competition.

maybe it's just my body refusing to get injured anymore..

Labels: misc, personal, Ultimate

*phew* there was a bit of a downtime for the site due to some bills problem. i get kinda edgy when this kinda things happen.

yes, i've been missing for a very long time. life's been through a pretty bad patch lately, hence the hiatus. went to hong kong for an ultimate competition, came back injured, then everything started going downhill for me in life. might be because of the niggling injury caused a substantial amount of morale to do things to vapourize. i started ruing on the fact that im injured, taking one too many fags and just laze around, not working on my injury, or rather, not working on anything at all. not a very good idea considering that it was so near to my submission week and reading week (which is now).

the only takeback from all these things is the fact that i suddenly realize that i have a lot of time on my hands the moment i took a breather from ultimate. it'll be a good thing i guess, im starting to feel a lot more refreshed and i think im ready to start again (provided that my back doesn't aggrevate again).

got my first photography job for a christmas dinner through my sister and im pretty excited about it. makes me wanna take time of studying and do some preparation for the event, BUT it'll have to wait, i have a good feeling about my results this sem and im not risking it.

and yes, i'm doing photography, anyone who needs to engage a photographer or has friends who needs to, please point them my way. my online portfolio is still in the process of construction, so for the time being you can look at my portfolio here:

http://www.flickr.com/photos/egomy/

ok, back to studies!

Labels: hall, personal, school, Ultimate

.. is not my age. sorry to disappoint you people, but im much younger than that. haha.

anyway, that's the number of hours that i was awake for from friday to saturday and it left me barely alive after that. even fell into a slight fever in the middle of the night and left me half dead when i was at training today.

night cycling on friday night was fun as of every year and we did crazy stuff to one another as usual (actually just to joanna and tim at times), how many times in a year can we act like we're fighting with each other at glutton bay and hang someone upside down over the railing of the singapore river.

this year's route was much better than last year, more straight roads, less uphills and longer eating times. really makes it relaxing that the "training" route that we had last year which made our legs feel like jelly by daybreak.

i left east coast straight after we reached the destination (east coast, duh.) and headed straight to seng kang for SMU's Ultimate competition, Grab Huck Score. this is also the event that chalked up the number of hours of me not sleeping. i had half a mind to let the competition slip because i was too tired and i pretty much had to play 95% of the points. but looking at how much effort everyone was putting in, i thought we'll just go all the way.

had to play the other NUS team in the quaters, we lost but the other NUS team went on to win the whole competition, which was still good although i didn't get to play in the finals (or rather, a good thing that i didn't play, i can't imagine the state that i'll be in if i played). i've got a very good feeling about the whole NUS Ultimate this year, people are enthu and hardworking, we've got quite a potential team this year. hopefully it'll turn out well.

Labels: hall, personal, Ultimate

it's insane that i'm still awake right now, this is my 3rd night in a row that im sleeping after 4pm and it's totally not helping that i've stuff to do at night till late. someone asked if i was busy with work. well, i AM busy with work, just not school work and it's really worrying. i really have to stop playing DOTA after clearing all my hall stuff and actually do some school work. it's about time to start revising my work.

on another note, was at sentosa for a beach tourney over the weekend and it was pretty tiring, came back with a semi-swollen ankle (old injury), a graze, cut on my back and pretty pissed off. pissed off at the fact that the filippinos that we played against in the tournaments were so much faster than me. haha. i'm not pissed off at them but myself, seems like im still not as fast as i want to be, it's giving me more motivation to run more. it's always a joy to play with the filippinos in any Ultimate Frisbee tournament, they're all really fun and friendly people.

pretty glad that i played in the tournament with an "all-star" team, it's rare to play with experienced players from different clubs and countries in one team. and i really have to thank jason for showing me how it is to be playing with heart, something that i've think that i've lost over the years and perhaps to a certain amount of laziness as i become more seasoned. reminded myself of the days when i just started playing, i made up whatever i was lacking in skill with heart and just played really hard. i haven't been able to do that in recent years and it felt good to be doing it again. now to make sure that it stays that way.

will leave this post with a photo montage of the singapore flyer that i made for a part of my assignment:

check out the full assignment here if you're interested to see more:
http://www.egomy.org/triggerhappy/2008/10/assignment-4-urban-fantasy-1.html

Labels: design, hall, misc, personal, Ultimate

sometimes i just really think that im asking for it. woke up this morning and had quite a bad case of diarrhea. in the evening, after i had finished a pickup game of ultimate in school and ready to leave for wala with the rest of the guys, i suddenly felt like puking (and stomach still feeling queasy). got to wala, ordered a beer anyway, didn't finish it and i actually met up with the guys from hall at wine bar where it was freaking cold and i couldn't resist drinking (as usual). halfway through, i started feeling feverish and achy, i had this coming the moment i was at wala but i still went on to do what i did and im suffering the consequences now. aching and feverish.

it sucks when your body is not exactly fully intact and you get the body aches, because all of your injuries will start hurting and frankly speaking, there's not a lot of parts of my body that are still out of harm's way. haha.

medicine. sleep. hope i can study properly tmr. roar.

Labels: hall, misc, personal

Labels: misc, personal

some point in time when i was younger, my mum pointed out that im way too independent, to a point that i probably won't be homesick even if i was away from home for a few years. i wouldn't say that she's wrong.

was telling val online yesterday that it was the first time in 3 weeks that i actually came back from hall and my sis and mum had been talking to me at every chance they can get, not asking me about what im doing in school, but just updating me about themselves. val said that if her sibling goes away for a few weeks, she would catch up alot with her when she gets back. i guess they must really miss me. haha.

somehow at night when my sister started talking and showing me stuff, i started to get a little restless but at the same time, i didn't want to disrespect her and go on with my own stuff so i still stayed on to listen and watch whatever she wanted to show me.

i realized that after 3 hectic weeks in hall of playing IBG, running DnD, thinking up proposals and rushing school work, all i was looking for when i got home was to have a little bit of quality "alone time". i needed some time alone to get away from all the work and just let my mind cool down a little.

this sem already seem very hectic, although it's only week 4. hope things will get better soon.

Labels: food for thought, hall, personal

not good enough.
just simply not good enough.

i know the weekend's and the tournament's over, no point brooding over it, but i just can't help it. there were a lot of what ifs in my mind after the last game on sunday. what if we were more calm, what if we were better drilled than we were over the weekend, what if nobody was bothered by the pressure.

i wish i could have done more, or rather, i know i could have done more, if i was as fit as i was back then, if i wasn't injury laden, if i tried pushing my body to work harder.

would there be a difference if these were more than just simply "what ifs"? i don't know and i'll probably never know since it's over now.

5 yrs into building this team and i really thought we were going to have what it takes to get a result finally, i really wanted it damn badly, but i guess things don't always go your way. that's how life is, you just have learn how to deal with it.

im trying to deal with it now, it's just that i can't swallow this harsh reality fully right now. it's a result that's unbelievable even to bystanders looking at us.

it's time to regroup, get back to peak fitness and time to push this body to new limits.

guys, a year's a long time to make a difference.
less thinking, get to work.
i know i will, what about you?

Labels: food for thought, personal, Ultimate

finally found some motivation to set up a photo blog! actually it's more like im required to do it for one of my modules.

here's the link:

http://www.egomy.org/triggerhappy

Labels: design, personal, school

was reading some stuff online and this suddenly hit me, when you lose yourself at some point of time in life, it's really hard to get back to what you were, or at least you won't be able to be the same you again.

im still looking for myself, or rather, what i can become. it's easy to just live the way i am right now, simple but not fulfilling and knowing myself, a flawed perfectionist (i'll touch on that some other time), i wouldn't be able to stand this for long before i feel empty everyday.

i can feel that there are things inside me that are already lost through a series of events. i have lost drive and interest in certain things that were initially very important to me. it's really hard to try to get a similar feeling back but i guess i should carry on trying.

is this random or what? =/

Labels: food for thought, personal

it's been a hectic 2 weeks since i last posted an entry here. orientation, bash, dinner and dance took up way too much of my time (and my sleep).

so much has happened when im back in camp and back in school that i feel that im becoming more and more "in-your-face" when it comes to addressing problems in work that i think people are thinking that im very obnoxious although they don't say or show it infront of me.

i used to hate confrontations, it blows everything out of proportion and leaves an unpleasant taste in everyone's mouth. i'd just try to be nice to everyone and try to settle everything peacefully, even if people think that im just trying to make everyone happy.

but i guess things change over time when i realize that people don't realize that im just trying to resolve things peacefully and in turn tries to screw me over (and some of them succeed in the process). then i thought to myself, "im doing this out of good-will and you're trying to screw me over", at the end of the day, everyone is happy except for me, so i started standing up for what i thought was right, even if it meant being extremely blatant.

i guess it worked, ticking people off in the process. now when i start talking seriously, at least people know that i actually mean business and they actually would try to make more effort to listen to me. the only drawback, people are afraid to let me settle some problems that are pertaining to members of a working group for the fact that they're afraid that the person might kill himself after having the cold hard truth smashed into his face.

i'll always try to be nice before i'll go into my "asshole" mode, im not THAT obnoxious. and no, i am not like this normally, im only like this when im working on serious things. i wonder where all this angst is coming from. im complaining way too much these days about things, i have a feeling the guys are going to getting irritated with me soon, better find some other channels to let it out.

ps: i can't believe they're calling me 老良. i don't look that old do i?

Labels: food for thought, personal

it's been a very long time since i've felt so genuinely disappointed about something and today i felt this dreaded feeling once again. it was pretty bad i guess, to the extend that i didn't really feel like going for the team dinner (sorry guys) and stayed in hall to help out with the orientation instead.

i asked myself why i was feeling so disappointed: was it the fact that i expected too much of my teammates that when they under perform, i'll feel that it's not enough? or the fact that i have too much faith in them and when we don't do well, i feel like we're selling ourselves short in the game?

came to a conclusion that it's more of the latter and when i look back, i realize how people react to my so called "faith" in them. some people think of it as a joke and smirk when i become too serious when im explaining things during training. a few think that the "faith" that i put in them is too much to take, in turn told me that they think that not good enough and want to go to the second team instead.

im sure there will people think that im being emo and all because i didn't go for the dinner, frankly, i really don't care because this is how much this team means to me, so much that it's one of the main priorities in my life and it gets frustrating for me sometimes.

maybe im just tired, maybe i should try having people telling me what to do instead then maybe they'll know what im talking about.

i just hope that something like today won't happen again because i really hate feeling like this, makes me feel like an asswipe.

Labels: food for thought, personal, Ultimate

was talking to 2 of the guys after training today and they asked me how many years i have left to go in NUS. told them that i had 2 more years to go and they said that it was a very long time and i agreed.

then one of them went on to say that he didn't regret not studying hard enough to get into NUS because the degree he got from SIM is giving the same salary as a colleague who graduated from NUS. the other went on and said that he chose not to go to NUS so that he could save time and not study for 4 years, when i was the one who helped with all the applications for NUS a few years back. im sure he would be saying otherwise if he got the acceptance letter back then.

it's funny how they were frantically applying to get into NUS last time.

i'm not angered by all this talk, it's just weird that people can just write off something that other people worked hard for simply with their own perception of how things are, failing to look at things in another person's shoes.

but then again, everyone's entitled to their own views i guess...

Labels: food for thought, misc, personal

finally got around my laziness to post something.

work has been mysteriously tiring, im not doing anything physical in camp, i just send tons of emails, make calls to arrange for meetings and actually going for the meetings. at the end of the day, i'll just reach home drained and just sitting infront of the computer screen, doing nothing, like what i was doing before i got myself to login and post this.

im still trying (i think..) to find out what is making me so tired, i don't remember being like this the last time round. maybe i haven't recovered physically from the sem, i still feel very weak and unfit but i always end up just whining over the fact that im unfit, like now. i seriously need to get a regime going soon, at least before school starts, so that i can follow it through when im back in school.

body's not exactly being kind to me, or rather, im not being kind to my body by not taking care of it, at least for ultimate wise. my knee feels busted, my back feels strained from my recurring slipped discs injuries. im on a low and a high at the same time, how messed up is that eh? im on a low because i can't play as hard as i want to, but at the same time, for some weird reasons, i somehow manage to get my throws back. yes, it's kinda like an ultimate dilemma, to stop or to keep on going when my throws are back.

lots of designing and brainstorming to do lately, just done with a cd cover and now i have to brainstorm for designs for TH DnD's poster and website, i hope eric has something already cos im pretty much having my face in the designer block. it's hell of a pain in the ass, but i guess i have to try to get around it.

here's the cd cover anyway, comments are welcomed:



of movies lately, wanted is good because angelina jolie is just sizzling HOT inside. hancock is pretty funny, think of a black superman, drunk. oh, and zohan is just hilarious, if you haven't watched it by now, wait for the dvd.

my camera is feeling lonely in my dry box and i really need to bring it out for a walk to take beautiful sights (esp beautiful people), so whoever's interested in taking photos with me or being taken by me, please ask me out. pretty good way of getting people to ask me out eh? hah. ok, that was totally random.

wait, isn't that suppose to be the point. being random. now, that was pretty random wasn't it?

ps: it never really did occur to me until recently but im reaching a quarter century in less than 6 months' time. so my friend was right, the older you get, there will be more things that will bother/scare you. and for me, somehow, age is bothering me a little, really, just a little.

Labels: misc, personal

back from my 9 days in taiwan!

although i'm just back for 2 days, im already missing the food, people and the weather especially (really enjoyed walking, running around without feeling all wet and disgusting).

i must say that the taiwanese are one of the friendliest group of people that i've ever met. everyone's so helpful and friendly it makes people in singapore seem so mean and grouchy.

had a good experience playing ultimate for the national setup although we all agreed that it was a below par performance, hopefully we'll do better with more time the next time around.

more updates soon (with pictures)

Labels: personal

everything that could ever gone wrong is always better when you look on the hindsight. it's a way for some people try to make themselves feel better when things go terribly wrong, some look back and think how things would have been different if they did something else, some look back, learn their mistakes and decide to never to look back again.

whichever way someone chooses to treat the hindsights of their mistakes, it's all fine, there is no right or wrong way to it. it's just the character of the person, well, you can argue that learning and not looking back is the best way but it might not go well with the person's personality.

it's been a long night for all of us, i realized that i've been trying to deny reality by trying to tell you how things would have been different if we would have done things differently. i keep looking back at the times that were good to comfort myself and tell myself if those times existed, there was always going to be a chance. but i've finally realized that i should just pick myself up and learn from my mistakes. it's funny how i can go through all of that in just one night.

but one thing's for sure, i will still always look back at the times we've had and if our paths ever, if it's even ever possible, cross again, i will take my chances and i'll not make the same mistakes again.


i still love you....

Labels: personal

i knew it would hurt if things come to this, but i didn't know it would hurt this bad, although this is nothing that i made you go through.

i thought it would work out again, i had so much to talk to you about, so much to catch up on, so much things that i failed to fulfill when we were together, just because i was too busy with everything else, but you.

i guess it's really too late for me this time, i guess it's better that you decide to move on, i guess i should be happy, since i asked you to moved on because i don't want to see you feel insecure when you're with me. now that you've really done it, i don't know how i'm feeling anymore. feels like a cruel joke that someone up there is playing on me.

i really want to let it out, but something is stopping me. this is a terrible feeling. it's going to take a while for me to let go.

i know it's really too late now, but i've never thought of letting go.

Labels: personal

sometimes i really don't know what i want and i have bad habit of not treasuring whatever i have when they're right infront of me.

whenever the going gets tough for me, the going goes looking for something else to do. call it escapism but i guess that's the (bad) way i handle my problems sometimes when i cannot find a solution.

when i know what i really want finally, it's probably too late and all that's left is regret.

not a good feeling.

Labels: personal

disclaimer: this post might sound disturbing to some readers and may scar your impression of me forever.

it's been a while since i've felt this way. this very high and sensational feeling, one that tingles down your spine and give you a light shiver.

the sight of it gives me a very calming feeling as well, feeling in peace as it frolics around in my sight.

i've spent many hours meddling around with it and i've finally found it....

Labels: misc, personal, school

i'm feeling pretty out of sorts lately, you know the feeling that you get when you sit infront of your work and you're feeling flustered but you're thinking absolutely about.. nothing..

yes, nothing and i can't really concentrate on whatever im doing. everything just seems like a drag to me. doesn't help that tim just reminded me that exams are just 19 days away. argh.

time to get out of this state and get to work.

Labels: personal

one of my favorite mandarin songs from way back, i think i heard this song when i was in secondary 1 or 2. beginning to love this song all over again after watching this video.

Labels: personal

have you ever tried jumping into something without considering how you and the things that you do affect the outcome of it? sometimes what you don't realize is that you drag people into the mess that you would be creating and hurting their feelings in the end.

i've always been very cautious when it comes to relationships with people and i guess this time i didn't realize the repercussions that might happen.

we both agreed that we can't blame a single person entirely for what happened, maybe ending on the note that we did was the best for us, at least we didn't have to go through a storm to reach the conclusion that we're at. maybe it would have been better if we had more time. maybe we should have gotten to know each other for a longer time.

so many possibilities, but well, you never know until you've given it a shot, or at least we did and we both learn something new about ourselves and each other.

those were good times. thank you and sorry.

Labels: personal

from time to time, there will be things in life that you will hold close to yourself and consider a part of your life. you feel like you'd never let this part of your life go no matter what happens, but sometimes this part of your life just dwindles or in the worst case scenario, die, when things happen in life.

it's been a hectic 2 months for me and a lot of things happened within these 2 months, my priorities somehow changed for things that are close to me, a part of my life. i really don't know how it turned out this way, is it because of what people did/said or im just feeling like this because im burnt out from doing too much with so little time.

im trying very hard right now to manage my time properly since all the major things that im involved in are all over. and of course, trying to salvage the parts of my life that are dwindling and threatening to extinguish.

this is going to be a tough period for me.

Labels: personal

somehow i realized that im not blogging these days is not because im feeling lazy (mm.. well, maybe partly) but because nothing really interesting is really happening around or to me thus, the lack of things to talk about.

life has been about the following recently: Ultimate, Work, Temasek Hall DnD and rest.

Ultimate -- the activity that i've poured the most time into ever since i started playing. as usual, it's the time of the year that all the clubs up their tempo in training to prepare themselves for the asia-wide tournament in Singapore this sept and my team, DK, is making no exceptions. im spending more time apart from the usual training to make myself fitter so that i can be at 100% for the tournament. but well, the extra training will take extra toll on my body too..

Work -- sometimes i really wonder if i can actually call the things that im doing in camp work (yes, im back in camp for the holidays) but the guys and i have been pretty occupied with organizing events for my unit, which in my opinion is quite a waste of time and i don't particularly like to do it. which explains why i have been pretty slack all this while (sorry guys).

frankly, i would rather be learning about things that are applicable to me when i become operational after i graduate. but nonetheless, i still have to go to work from 8am - 5.30pm everyday.

Temasek Hall DnD -- initially decided not to join because of the fact that i have to go back to camp during my holidays but i was still helping out tim and the guys by giving ideas of what to do for the hall's bash and DnD. turned out that one of the committee members had to drop out from the comm and i decided that maybe i can just join and help out on the design part, plus it'll add to my existing portfolio.

turned out that i became the publicity head (which was not what i signed up for) and i ended up with more things to do apart from work and ultimate. although i enjoy doing design work, but it gets tiring when i hit a designer's block, it's just irritating.

i have to say that all is going well and soon, you'll see shameless advertisements of the bash and DnD when the details on the posters that i've made are finalized.

Rest -- when im not doing any of the above mentioned, which is quite hard, i'll be at home lazing around and stoning, usually really low on energy. and it really seems like no matter how much i try to rest, i never seem to get fully recharged.


i haven't been out after work for dinner or anything for who knows how long already, im either too tired to ask people out or im actually having training/meeting/design work to do. life feels so mundane now.

Labels: personal

it's been a month since i actually did anything to this blog of mine but when i think back about how i've spent my time recently, i realized that i've been spending too much time stoning infront of my tv when i get home from work everyday and it's not like im a tv fan, im just there.

and no, im not trying to advocate motivations for drinking and driving, it's just that i was too lazy to post seperate entries, so now they've become one.

Drinking

my unit (yes, im back in camp for the holidays) had a farewell dinner kinda thing for 2 of the guys there who were going to ORD , one officer who's going to study overseas and there was like a buffet set up all equipped with food, drinks and beer.

it's been a long while since i've seen so many people drinking together and i must say that i really enjoyed it. im not saying that drinking is a good thing but all of us have to admit to a certain extend that drinks (with alcohol content) is a good social lubricant, brings people closer together (and even closer when they're drunk) and lets people pour their hearts out with people actually listening (but retaining is another thing).

during the dinner, i suddenly missed the days when the whole bunch of us would go drinking and have our idle banter for the whole night. it's hard now that everyone has ORD-ed and we're all taking different paths in lives, some are working and some of us are studying. but well, it was fun while it lasted.

Driving

i know it's probably too much to ask from drivers here, but someone should teach them some bloody courtesy. was driving to sim lim square on a saturday afternoon (read: DEATH) and i got stuck at the tekka market stretch, im amazed how people can cut lanes with signaling or at least turn back and make some sort of signal that they wanna cut the lane before i run into them.

the most amazing thing is that when people abruptly cut my lane and i almost knock into them when they don't succeed, they'll just act stupid like nothing happened, when i drive past and look at them. and im quite sure they know that im looking at them. makes my blood boil all the time.

Motivation

in a team, motivation is very important, both from other people and oneself, and this very motivation can make or break a team. sometimes it's essential for people in the team to motivate one another but it comes to a point that all that can be done by a person to motivate another has been done and the person that's supposed to be motivated doesn't have any self-motivation.

it'll all be back to square one no matter how good a motivator the person is, it all boils down to the person that's getting motivated, if he/she doesn't help himself/herself, nobody can do it.

it's really hard sometimes when you've run out of ways to motivate people.

Labels: personal

it's seems weird now that exams are over and i wake up every morning with a sense of aimlessness, with no lectures, tutorials and hall stuff to do, it seems like there's a void in life already. i think all of us who stayed in hall for the past year are starting to feel this void already.

2 weeks after my exams were pretty bad considering that i was quite sick, suffered from insomnia, migraine and the doctor even told me that my blood pressure was getting too high for my own good, had to spend some time resting properly at home before i could do anything and im pretty sure the sweltering heat didn't help at all.

good thing im almost 100% recovered, if not it'll suck when i head to korea tmr. will be going on a korea trip with some of my hall friends for 10 days, i have a feeling it's going to be real good, especially when one of my friends is korean. will be updating when im in korea~

Labels: personal

tidy top, iron-pressed slacks, polished boots, a new set of ranks.

a small sense of awkwardness and nostalgia at the same time. it's been almost a year since im back in the uniform that would eventually be my career for years to come after my studies. it had a weird kind of nostalgia, familiar yet distant. this might sound funny when i had been in this position for more than a year, but i almost forgot how to respond to people when they greeted me when i went back to camp today.

it was a brief visit back to my work environment and it felt somewhat refreshing. but well, maybe im just sick of studying for the time being. back to the books.

Labels: personal

lately, whenever im having time alone in quiet place, depressing thoughts start to linger within me and sometimes just overwhelms me. like now.

sometimes i just sink into this little world of mine where i feel like im all alone and i just plunge into a slight depression.

i don't know what's happening to me, but i hope i'll be able to get past this without cracking up any further.


beautiful song from Damien Rice, 9 Crimes. Simple and nice with a tinge of sadness.

Labels: personal

sometimes even men with the strongest self-belief and tolerance crack under enough pressure over time.

this is the time for me.

i think the fact that i keep everything (expressions, feelings) to myself when i do things is an advantage and disadvantage to me.

advantage because if things go wrong, it wouldn't seem that bad, or at least it won't cause a panic when people realize that something is wrong and a solution can be sorted out better.

disadvantage because with everything bottled up, people always think that im happy "alright" even when im not and im not the kind that would show my negative feelings to others, simply because i feel that people don't need to be imposed by my sadness, angst and all that bad feelings. it becomes a time bomb and it'll just explode anytime.

im reaping the disadvantages now and although it's not the first time, i still hate this feeling.

the least you can do now is not to ask me if im okay because im not going to say anything.

i just needed an outlet.

Labels: personal