Trigger Happy

finally found some motivation to set up a photo blog! actually it's more like im required to do it for one of my modules.

here's the link:

http://www.egomy.org/triggerhappy

Random Thought

was reading some stuff online and this suddenly hit me, when you lose yourself at some point of time in life, it's really hard to get back to what you were, or at least you won't be able to be the same you again.

im still looking for myself, or rather, what i can become. it's easy to just live the way i am right now, simple but not fulfilling and knowing myself, a flawed perfectionist (i'll touch on that some other time), i wouldn't be able to stand this for long before i feel empty everyday.

i can feel that there are things inside me that are already lost through a series of events. i have lost drive and interest in certain things that were initially very important to me. it's really hard to try to get a similar feeling back but i guess i should carry on trying.

is this random or what? =/

Obnoxious

it's been a hectic 2 weeks since i last posted an entry here. orientation, bash, dinner and dance took up way too much of my time (and my sleep).

so much has happened when im back in camp and back in school that i feel that im becoming more and more "in-your-face" when it comes to addressing problems in work that i think people are thinking that im very obnoxious although they don't say or show it infront of me.

i used to hate confrontations, it blows everything out of proportion and leaves an unpleasant taste in everyone's mouth. i'd just try to be nice to everyone and try to settle everything peacefully, even if people think that im just trying to make everyone happy.

but i guess things change over time when i realize that people don't realize that im just trying to resolve things peacefully and in turn tries to screw me over (and some of them succeed in the process). then i thought to myself, "im doing this out of good-will and you're trying to screw me over", at the end of the day, everyone is happy except for me, so i started standing up for what i thought was right, even if it meant being extremely blatant.

i guess it worked, ticking people off in the process. now when i start talking seriously, at least people know that i actually mean business and they actually would try to make more effort to listen to me. the only drawback, people are afraid to let me settle some problems that are pertaining to members of a working group for the fact that they're afraid that the person might kill himself after having the cold hard truth smashed into his face.

i'll always try to be nice before i'll go into my "asshole" mode, im not THAT obnoxious. and no, i am not like this normally, im only like this when im working on serious things. i wonder where all this angst is coming from. im complaining way too much these days about things, i have a feeling the guys are going to getting irritated with me soon, better find some other channels to let it out.

ps: i can't believe they're calling me 老良. i don't look that old do i?

Faith

it's been a very long time since i've felt so genuinely disappointed about something and today i felt this dreaded feeling once again. it was pretty bad i guess, to the extend that i didn't really feel like going for the team dinner (sorry guys) and stayed in hall to help out with the orientation instead.

i asked myself why i was feeling so disappointed: was it the fact that i expected too much of my teammates that when they under perform, i'll feel that it's not enough? or the fact that i have too much faith in them and when we don't do well, i feel like we're selling ourselves short in the game?

came to a conclusion that it's more of the latter and when i look back, i realize how people react to my so called "faith" in them. some people think of it as a joke and smirk when i become too serious when im explaining things during training. a few think that the "faith" that i put in them is too much to take, in turn told me that they think that not good enough and want to go to the second team instead.

im sure there will people think that im being emo and all because i didn't go for the dinner, frankly, i really don't care because this is how much this team means to me, so much that it's one of the main priorities in my life and it gets frustrating for me sometimes.

maybe im just tired, maybe i should try having people telling me what to do instead then maybe they'll know what im talking about.

i just hope that something like today won't happen again because i really hate feeling like this, makes me feel like an asswipe.

Of Studies and Time

was talking to 2 of the guys after training today and they asked me how many years i have left to go in NUS. told them that i had 2 more years to go and they said that it was a very long time and i agreed.

then one of them went on to say that he didn't regret not studying hard enough to get into NUS because the degree he got from SIM is giving the same salary as a colleague who graduated from NUS. the other went on and said that he chose not to go to NUS so that he could save time and not study for 4 years, when i was the one who helped with all the applications for NUS a few years back. im sure he would be saying otherwise if he got the acceptance letter back then.

it's funny how they were frantically applying to get into NUS last time.

i'm not angered by all this talk, it's just weird that people can just write off something that other people worked hard for simply with their own perception of how things are, failing to look at things in another person's shoes.

but then again, everyone's entitled to their own views i guess...

Random Update

finally got around my laziness to post something.

work has been mysteriously tiring, im not doing anything physical in camp, i just send tons of emails, make calls to arrange for meetings and actually going for the meetings. at the end of the day, i'll just reach home drained and just sitting infront of the computer screen, doing nothing, like what i was doing before i got myself to login and post this.

im still trying (i think..) to find out what is making me so tired, i don't remember being like this the last time round. maybe i haven't recovered physically from the sem, i still feel very weak and unfit but i always end up just whining over the fact that im unfit, like now. i seriously need to get a regime going soon, at least before school starts, so that i can follow it through when im back in school.

body's not exactly being kind to me, or rather, im not being kind to my body by not taking care of it, at least for ultimate wise. my knee feels busted, my back feels strained from my recurring slipped discs injuries. im on a low and a high at the same time, how messed up is that eh? im on a low because i can't play as hard as i want to, but at the same time, for some weird reasons, i somehow manage to get my throws back. yes, it's kinda like an ultimate dilemma, to stop or to keep on going when my throws are back.

lots of designing and brainstorming to do lately, just done with a cd cover and now i have to brainstorm for designs for TH DnD's poster and website, i hope eric has something already cos im pretty much having my face in the designer block. it's hell of a pain in the ass, but i guess i have to try to get around it.

here's the cd cover anyway, comments are welcomed:



of movies lately, wanted is good because angelina jolie is just sizzling HOT inside. hancock is pretty funny, think of a black superman, drunk. oh, and zohan is just hilarious, if you haven't watched it by now, wait for the dvd.

my camera is feeling lonely in my dry box and i really need to bring it out for a walk to take beautiful sights (esp beautiful people), so whoever's interested in taking photos with me or being taken by me, please ask me out. pretty good way of getting people to ask me out eh? hah. ok, that was totally random.

wait, isn't that suppose to be the point. being random. now, that was pretty random wasn't it?

ps: it never really did occur to me until recently but im reaching a quarter century in less than 6 months' time. so my friend was right, the older you get, there will be more things that will bother/scare you. and for me, somehow, age is bothering me a little, really, just a little.

Back

back from my 9 days in taiwan!

although i'm just back for 2 days, im already missing the food, people and the weather especially (really enjoyed walking, running around without feeling all wet and disgusting).

i must say that the taiwanese are one of the friendliest group of people that i've ever met. everyone's so helpful and friendly it makes people in singapore seem so mean and grouchy.

had a good experience playing ultimate for the national setup although we all agreed that it was a below par performance, hopefully we'll do better with more time the next time around.

more updates soon (with pictures)

Hindsight

everything that could ever gone wrong is always better when you look on the hindsight. it's a way for some people try to make themselves feel better when things go terribly wrong, some look back and think how things would have been different if they did something else, some look back, learn their mistakes and decide to never to look back again.

whichever way someone chooses to treat the hindsights of their mistakes, it's all fine, there is no right or wrong way to it. it's just the character of the person, well, you can argue that learning and not looking back is the best way but it might not go well with the person's personality.

it's been a long night for all of us, i realized that i've been trying to deny reality by trying to tell you how things would have been different if we would have done things differently. i keep looking back at the times that were good to comfort myself and tell myself if those times existed, there was always going to be a chance. but i've finally realized that i should just pick myself up and learn from my mistakes. it's funny how i can go through all of that in just one night.

but one thing's for sure, i will still always look back at the times we've had and if our paths ever, if it's even ever possible, cross again, i will take my chances and i'll not make the same mistakes again.


i still love you....

Torn

i knew it would hurt if things come to this, but i didn't know it would hurt this bad, although this is nothing that i made you go through.

i thought it would work out again, i had so much to talk to you about, so much to catch up on, so much things that i failed to fulfill when we were together, just because i was too busy with everything else, but you.

i guess it's really too late for me this time, i guess it's better that you decide to move on, i guess i should be happy, since i asked you to moved on because i don't want to see you feel insecure when you're with me. now that you've really done it, i don't know how i'm feeling anymore. feels like a cruel joke that someone up there is playing on me.

i really want to let it out, but something is stopping me. this is a terrible feeling. it's going to take a while for me to let go.

i know it's really too late now, but i've never thought of letting go.

Regret

sometimes i really don't know what i want and i have bad habit of not treasuring whatever i have when they're right infront of me.

whenever the going gets tough for me, the going goes looking for something else to do. call it escapism but i guess that's the (bad) way i handle my problems sometimes when i cannot find a solution.

when i know what i really want finally, it's probably too late and all that's left is regret.

not a good feeling.

State of High

disclaimer: this post might sound disturbing to some readers and may scar your impression of me forever.

it's been a while since i've felt this way. this very high and sensational feeling, one that tingles down your spine and give you a light shiver.

the sight of it gives me a very calming feeling as well, feeling in peace as it frolics around in my sight.

i've spent many hours meddling around with it and i've finally found it....

THE STUPID BUG IN THE TETRIS CODE!!!

it's really been a while since i've gotten myself into a programming situation that i actually spent so many hours trying to debug (yes, not even when i was doing my fyp in poly) a set of codes and i must say, although the process was extremely excruciating, it feels quite good, really.

HAH! curse you tetris, you have tormented me for the final minute of my life!

and im not a geek. really.

Out of Sorts

i'm feeling pretty out of sorts lately, you know the feeling that you get when you sit infront of your work and you're feeling flustered but you're thinking absolutely about.. nothing..

yes, nothing and i can't really concentrate on whatever im doing. everything just seems like a drag to me. doesn't help that tim just reminded me that exams are just 19 days away. argh.

time to get out of this state and get to work.

Nostalgic Song

one of my favorite mandarin songs from way back, i think i heard this song when i was in secondary 1 or 2. beginning to love this song all over again after watching this video.

Of Possibilities and Apologies

have you ever tried jumping into something without considering how you and the things that you do affect the outcome of it? sometimes what you don't realize is that you drag people into the mess that you would be creating and hurting their feelings in the end.

i've always been very cautious when it comes to relationships with people and i guess this time i didn't realize the repercussions that might happen.

we both agreed that we can't blame a single person entirely for what happened, maybe ending on the note that we did was the best for us, at least we didn't have to go through a storm to reach the conclusion that we're at. maybe it would have been better if we had more time. maybe we should have gotten to know each other for a longer time.

so many possibilities, but well, you never know until you've given it a shot, or at least we did and we both learn something new about ourselves and each other.

those were good times. thank you and sorry.

Dwindle

from time to time, there will be things in life that you will hold close to yourself and consider a part of your life. you feel like you'd never let this part of your life go no matter what happens, but sometimes this part of your life just dwindles or in the worst case scenario, die, when things happen in life.

it's been a hectic 2 months for me and a lot of things happened within these 2 months, my priorities somehow changed for things that are close to me, a part of my life. i really don't know how it turned out this way, is it because of what people did/said or im just feeling like this because im burnt out from doing too much with so little time.

im trying very hard right now to manage my time properly since all the major things that im involved in are all over. and of course, trying to salvage the parts of my life that are dwindling and threatening to extinguish.

this is going to be a tough period for me.

Mundane

somehow i realized that im not blogging these days is not because im feeling lazy (mm.. well, maybe partly) but because nothing really interesting is really happening around or to me thus, the lack of things to talk about.

life has been about the following recently: Ultimate, Work, Temasek Hall DnD and rest.

Ultimate -- the activity that i've poured the most time into ever since i started playing. as usual, it's the time of the year that all the clubs up their tempo in training to prepare themselves for the asia-wide tournament in Singapore this sept and my team, DK, is making no exceptions. im spending more time apart from the usual training to make myself fitter so that i can be at 100% for the tournament. but well, the extra training will take extra toll on my body too..

Work -- sometimes i really wonder if i can actually call the things that im doing in camp work (yes, im back in camp for the holidays) but the guys and i have been pretty occupied with organizing events for my unit, which in my opinion is quite a waste of time and i don't particularly like to do it. which explains why i have been pretty slack all this while (sorry guys).

frankly, i would rather be learning about things that are applicable to me when i become operational after i graduate. but nonetheless, i still have to go to work from 8am - 5.30pm everyday.

Temasek Hall DnD -- initially decided not to join because of the fact that i have to go back to camp during my holidays but i was still helping out tim and the guys by giving ideas of what to do for the hall's bash and DnD. turned out that one of the committee members had to drop out from the comm and i decided that maybe i can just join and help out on the design part, plus it'll add to my existing portfolio.

turned out that i became the publicity head (which was not what i signed up for) and i ended up with more things to do apart from work and ultimate. although i enjoy doing design work, but it gets tiring when i hit a designer's block, it's just irritating.

i have to say that all is going well and soon, you'll see shameless advertisements of the bash and DnD when the details on the posters that i've made are finalized.

Rest -- when im not doing any of the above mentioned, which is quite hard, i'll be at home lazing around and stoning, usually really low on energy. and it really seems like no matter how much i try to rest, i never seem to get fully recharged.

==~==

i haven't been out after work for dinner or anything for who knows how long already, im either too tired to ask people out or im actually having training/meeting/design work to do. life feels so mundane now.

Drinking, Driving and Motivation

it's been a month since i actually did anything to this blog of mine but when i think back about how i've spent my time recently, i realized that i've been spending too much time stoning infront of my tv when i get home from work everyday and it's not like im a tv fan, im just there.

and no, im not trying to advocate motivations for drinking and driving, it's just that i was too lazy to post seperate entries, so now they've become one.

Drinking

my unit (yes, im back in camp for the holidays) had a farewell dinner kinda thing for 2 of the guys there who were going to ORD , one officer who's going to study overseas and there was like a buffet set up all equipped with food, drinks and beer.

it's been a long while since i've seen so many people drinking together and i must say that i really enjoyed it. im not saying that drinking is a good thing but all of us have to admit to a certain extend that drinks (with alcohol content) is a good social lubricant, brings people closer together (and even closer when they're drunk) and lets people pour their hearts out with people actually listening (but retaining is another thing).

during the dinner, i suddenly missed the days when the whole bunch of us would go drinking and have our idle banter for the whole night. it's hard now that everyone has ORD-ed and we're all taking different paths in lives, some are working and some of us are studying. but well, it was fun while it lasted.

Driving

i know it's probably too much to ask from drivers here, but someone should teach them some bloody courtesy. was driving to sim lim square on a saturday afternoon (read: DEATH) and i got stuck at the tekka market stretch, im amazed how people can cut lanes with signaling or at least turn back and make some sort of signal that they wanna cut the lane before i run into them.

the most amazing thing is that when people abruptly cut my lane and i almost knock into them when they don't succeed, they'll just act stupid like nothing happened, when i drive past and look at them. and im quite sure they know that im looking at them. makes my blood boil all the time.

Motivation

in a team, motivation is very important, both from other people and oneself, and this very motivation can make or break a team. sometimes it's essential for people in the team to motivate one another but it comes to a point that all that can be done by a person to motivate another has been done and the person that's supposed to be motivated doesn't have any self-motivation.

it'll all be back to square one no matter how good a motivator the person is, it all boils down to the person that's getting motivated, if he/she doesn't help himself/herself, nobody can do it.

it's really hard sometimes when you've run out of ways to motivate people.

Break

it's seems weird now that exams are over and i wake up every morning with a sense of aimlessness, with no lectures, tutorials and hall stuff to do, it seems like there's a void in life already. i think all of us who stayed in hall for the past year are starting to feel this void already.

2 weeks after my exams were pretty bad considering that i was quite sick, suffered from insomnia, migraine and the doctor even told me that my blood pressure was getting too high for my own good, had to spend some time resting properly at home before i could do anything and im pretty sure the sweltering heat didn't help at all.

good thing im almost 100% recovered, if not it'll suck when i head to korea tmr. will be going on a korea trip with some of my hall friends for 10 days, i have a feeling it's going to be real good, especially when one of my friends is korean. will be updating when im in korea~

Green Revisited

tidy top, iron-pressed slacks, polished boots, a new set of ranks.

a small sense of awkwardness and nostalgia at the same time. it's been almost a year since im back in the uniform that would eventually be my career for years to come after my studies. it had a weird kind of nostalgia, familiar yet distant. this might sound funny when i had been in this position for more than a year, but i almost forgot how to respond to people when they greeted me when i went back to camp today.

it was a brief visit back to my work environment and it felt somewhat refreshing. but well, maybe im just sick of studying for the time being. back to the books.

lately, whenever im having time alone in quiet place, depressing thoughts start to linger within me and sometimes just overwhelms me. like now.

sometimes i just sink into this little world of mine where i feel like im all alone and i just plunge into a slight depression.

i don't know what's happening to me, but i hope i'll be able to get past this without cracking up any further.


beautiful song from Damien Rice, 9 Crimes. Simple and nice with a tinge of sadness.

Crack

sometimes even men with the strongest self-belief and tolerance crack under enough pressure over time.

this is the time for me.

i think the fact that i keep everything (expressions, feelings) to myself when i do things is an advantage and disadvantage to me.

advantage because if things go wrong, it wouldn't seem that bad, or at least it won't cause a panic when people realize that something is wrong and a solution can be sorted out better.

disadvantage because with everything bottled up, people always think that im happy "alright" even when im not and im not the kind that would show my negative feelings to others, simply because i feel that people don't need to be imposed by my sadness, angst and all that bad feelings. it becomes a time bomb and it'll just explode anytime.

im reaping the disadvantages now and although it's not the first time, i still hate this feeling.

the least you can do now is not to ask me if im okay because im not going to say anything.

i just needed an outlet.